April 2014

Life is very strange, sometimes very hard to understand. I hate to be a victim but sometimes you just need to say WHAT THE FUCK!  I am at a place in my life where I never thought I would be again , starting over, again, I don't want to start over, I'm doing it kicking and screaming, well not really , but I am on in the inside, oh I know it could be way worst and I don't want to start feeling sorry for myself in case the universe shows me how bad it can be. I'm I heart broken , no not really, Am I scared shitless. YEP. Of what? I'm not really sure, maybe of the being not sure, being in this space where your waiting for things to change , but you don't know what they will change to, this no mans land where you're just floating, can't really say what you are doing or when. are you moving, are you staying where will you live. All I know for sure is I'm going to work every week day and walking with my Peeps on the weekend and one foot in front of the other for now. And wait for now. I'm feeling pretty low right now , not like me , not a spot I want to be. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel , just not sure how much energy I have to get there.

Dec30 2012
 Well it has been an amazing year for me , I am happy, healthy , I believe I am in better shape now then when I was thirty,  a 10 or 15 min jog with the dog is a blast that makes me feel great, working out at the gym is like meditation for me now.
What I do need is a new goal, a new focus and a new carrot at the end of the stick , last year Murtle Lake trip was my carrot so will have to work that out in the next couple of months, I will be going back to work in the next month or so and I think that is going to be a big change for me as well.
Oh by the way I love my new Bogs (boots ) if you don't have a pair OMG get one they are so comfy I love them thanks Santa.
I'm sad for the things we have lost this year, I feel a fracture in my soul and a piece that has always been here with me is gone, sometimes its hard to wrap my head around it and I have been trying hard to stay out of my head and in my heart.   I'm looking forward to a new year and all the things it brings.
 I don't like New year resolutions,but I find I do need to set goals that I can stick to and can look back at and feel I have finished something, so I will be setting a few of those soon. Have a great New Year all my friends and family
Love Always Cathy

Hello Peeps
I have  had a great Summer. Camping, music-fests, and to top it off a great trip in the Murtle Lake , with great friends, it was a bucket list thing for me and it was everything I hoped it would be , I hope to do it again .  The trip was a carrot on a stick for me , something I was looking forward to and thought about every time things got tuff at the gym it was what I used a a goal to move  more , to be in good enough shape to do it . I was in good enough shape even better than I hoped , maybe the best shape of my life , I'm not sure i could have done it at 30, maybe but at the end I thought , if I had to I could have turned around and walked back in , its a good thing.  So now to new goals , I need something to work towards . I am pretty happy with my weight, if I stayed at this weight, I would be ok with that, but I would like to lose 10 more pds , I would like the scale to say 149-154, something like that, one or two more inches off my waist would make me a very happy camper and I think it is a good goal. I have not lost anything since second week in Aug and I'm not surprised as I have not been paying close attention to my food , and I missed a few days at the gym although I worked pretty work doing other things. So i have been back to the gym every second day now and will start watching my food closely , no junk , more protein, more water, and move more. Its pretty simple really  . so what will the goal be , what can we do in the spring as a goal ,, have to work on that one. talk soon Peeps Love always Cathy

Good Morning Canada Day
Going to Coombs and spend the day with Sisters in law, niece's and great nieces and nephews , will be a fun day and I am going to wear shorts for the first time  since before May day weekend, I will take my jeans just in case , but hoping for sun today, my cucumbers are dieing for the second time this spring , it really is time for sun.

Hey its my Birthday and I had a great day. I thought I would do a grateful post.
Things I am grateful for:
First ...health wow I am so luck to have this new start, who gets that, Thanks you god and Dr Malik for a brand new start.
Thanks to Beth who is the best trainer ever , she is sweet and knows her job  so well , I am very lucky to work with her to build my body to something I can work with.
I am thankful to be able to begin to enjoy ( did I really say that) working out for the first time in my life.
I love Molly the Mini, OMG I love my camper, I am a happy camper. she really needs to be pimped now tho.

I love that I can get out of the shower at the gym and my towel fits around me, what a great feeling.
I love blue Jeans. With bling , without bling in any color, I forgot what it felt like to have a pair of great fitting jeans. I will never forget it again.
 I love sunshine , haven't had much, but the feeling of it on my shoulders as I walk around the yard is amazing.
I LOVE a bargain, I got all my jeans at value village.
I love being diff and a little crazy, it just feels normal to me .
I love that I am not depressed I talk to someone today who was and thought Wow I'm so happy its not how I'm feeling.
and Last I'm happy for great friends, family and new friends , the world is a great place , hope I never get jaded.
As for birthdays well not much I can do to stop them, might as well enjoy.
have a great day................Cathy

Wow what a Mother day , present from Jessy , off the Pancake Breakfast,(note to self, pancakes even a little,not a good thing no matter how good they taste), then Jim, spent the whole day weeding my front flower bed, my back won't let me do it, I restrung my wind chime, practice fly fishing with my new fly rod and reel, oh ya love it. hotdogs and a beer for dinner. a perfect day

Good Morning
Its a rainy wet Morning on Vancouver Island, but it has the feeling of spring rain, not cold winter rain , things are looking up.
 I have maybe turned a corner at the gym too, I don't hate it anymore, I wish I could say I love it but noooooo, but I really think this is a good turn, in my mind I can see having to do this forever on some level and the thought of that before was overwhelming to say the lest.
 I'm starting to feel strong, the very first stages of strong, man it took so long, I have never pushed this hard before on anything physical, it has been a real struggle for me, but I can feel the change and it is good :). It is still a battle to get the cardio in, I am doing 5 mins treadmill 5 mins elliptical 5 mins treadmill, till I get up to 20 to 25 mins, I get so bored with this part of it and I still have a lot of problem with uneven ground so not doing much out side, but going to start changing it up and trying outside. Got to be ready for Myrtle Lake end of summer, that is my goal, the holy grail , I'm so excited.
This has been hard for me in another way as well, every time I talk about the gym to people I hear myself  being negative and I want to check it and say something nice, I hate being negative, but its really how I feel about being there, also When ever someone says wow you look good I feel like I don't deserve it, I'm not sure where that is coming from, something about me being the one who got me here in the first place.
 So My New outlook is this, I feel great(cuz I do) and I look pretty dam good (I'm not feeling that, but going to work on it)and I have two pairs of jeans that when I wear them I feel skinny and s... ok not going to say that word yet , but it is lurking there. today the smile is back on my face, not the one I put on for you all, but the one I have on when no one is looking, just because I feel Happy.  :) Cathy